Saturday, 11 July 2009
so i thought me funny
okay. some of you may be wondering about a competition i was in."So You Think You're Funny 2009"
it was fun. i made some people laugh, which is actually the reason i do it. yay.
comments and suggestions welcome. enjoy :
Labels: comedy, stand-up video
Sunday, 8 March 2009
What happens when you give a three year old a Buddy Jesus figurine
I am still under investigation for crimes against pocket-sized dolls. But for now, enjoy this video of The Thrower and my Buddy Jesus figurine, and my Scottish bagpipe player pen.I'm sure the Buddy Jesus corporation won't want to sue me.
ALSO - I did a little something over at Dapoppins' blog. For her Pity Party month.
Labels: buddy jesus video, dapoppins' pity party
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
i'm so glad we had this time together...kaboom
british readers will not get the title, which is actually the theme tune that denoted the end of my favorite show as a kid, the carol burnett show.several things have been written here, and some of them have been true
- i do like iced chai teas
- i love to golf
- i am american
the vast majority of this blog -indeed everything else on it- is complete rubbish. INCLUDING all the conversations i had with madonna. yes, people, i never *actually* spoke to madonna. no one speaks to her, i hear.
also,
i never actually *actually* created a blood-bath at my weight watchers meeting. *actually* my weight watchers leader is a very sweet lady, who i'm sure would be horrified if she knew i created a scene wherein i went mental in a meeting, ultimately causing her bodily harm. for reasons including : we are actually buddies now.
i think i may have said i spat in her coffee. i shall be clear on this point :
that is so wrong.
okay it has been very cathartic to make up complete and utter nonsense.
but i'm afraid to report that i have been confronted by the polly pocket corporation. they said,
"we do not like what you are doing with these dolls. dolls are not for playing with by adults. they are for children. children ONLY."
similarly,
toddler bert's agent rang me on the phone, and informed me they were issuing me a cease-and-desist order via www.juststopthat.com.
and so i bid you good day.
but before i push the button, i just want to say thanks for all the fun. it was fun, wasn't it?
okay. well, bye!
mu.hu.ha.ha.ha.ha.ha.ha.ha
Labels: nothing to see here
Friday, 30 January 2009
farcical fable friday : the socialite
Once upon a time, there lived a little girl. Her skin was so fair, and her hair was so blonde that her parents, Mr and Mrs Holidayinn, decided to name her Miami.Miami had a very hard life. Her parents owned a very famous hotel, and made quite a lot of money. So she always had to wear the latest fashions, and it was really hard work shopping all the time. Sometimes she needed to take naps right in the middle of the day. It was a true hell.
What she didn't know, indeed what no one knew, was that she had a rare form of the disease tacobellicitis. If she were to consume just four tacos in a row, she would explode with the power of a 10-kiloton bomb. She didn't know it. Her parents didn't know it. Since so many people didn't know it, though, so surely it wouldn't ever come up.
One day she was having a particularly hard time watching tv. The 'Remember the 80s? No, really remember the 80s?' show was on, and a-ha's 'Take On Me' video was playing. She just could not figure out *why* those people with the wrench were chasing that pencilled man. Perhaps a third taco would help, she thought.
Then it occurred to her. What she needed was a friend. She thought and thought and thought. Where do people get friends? Great Britain. Surely she could find a friend there; someone who could tell her regularly what great fashion sense she had.
Later that night, she got in her jet plane and flew to old blighty.
The first thing she noticed was that Great Britain had a lot of things wrong with it. The light switches sometimes turned on when you flicked the switch to the 'off' position. And her favorite cereal character, Crackle, had a british accent! That was just wrong! Pop had one too, but she didn't mind that so much, as she didn't have a crush on him.
And so she began her search for her new friend. She decided the best way to do it was to set up a tv show. It was so hard to do that, though. She had to ask three entire people to let her do it! And then she had to listen to the answer! So much work! She decided that was enough work for the first day.
The day of the first show came. Twelve people had signed up for the show. Miami was so excited! In a few weeks she would find out who her new friend would be! It would be thrilling! But it came at a price. Each week she had to tell one of the contestants that they couldn't be her friend, in such a way as to make her cry. Miami found it very hard to make people cry, but she found it was even harder to look like she cared.
The weeks passed one by one. Each week, it got slightly easier to do the very hard thing of telling some stranger on her new show that she couldn't be Miami's friend.
Finally, the day of the final show came. She was so excited that she had three tacos to calm her nerves. Then the moment of truth arrived. Who would she choose? Fiona, the media-savvy gal with the extremely white eye shadow, or Gillian, the girl who read Miami's book.
Well, it had taken her all afternoon to write all those words, so that tipped the scalesin Gillian's favour.
Gillian was so excited to be Miami's new friend, that she gave her a taco!
Miami got almost all the way through that taco before she exploded and took out half the city.
NOTES :
my husband and i had an interesting conversation regarding this story.
"okay, i need to know how much force it would take to destroy half the city."
"look it up."
"you're a boy - you know these things off the top of your head!"
so then my husband found a website where you could see how much of the city you would take out with various amounts of kilotonnage.
"oh that's disappointing. 10 kilotons would only take out our apartment and a portion of honolulu from nimitz highway to beretania."
"don't blow up hawaii!!!"
it kind of went on like that, until we realized what kind of conversation we were having. then we decided to laugh and then stop it.
Labels: just a bit of silliness
Monday, 12 January 2009
in which i am interviewed
lovely daryl has been interviewed. i kind of wanted to play, but thought she had enough on her plate. however, in true fabulous-daryl form, she has indeed provided a list of questions.1. You are a very creative,fabulous, yet insane woman. Have you always been this way?
sadly, i haven't. i had to have an operation in two parts :
first, i had to have my boring bone removed. that hurt like hell.
then, after some recovery, i had to have my creativefabulousinsane gene spliced in. this was also very painful, but i was given a lot of ibuprofen, so i coped as best i could. the nhs is great, isn't it?
actually, i called my ma. i said 'hey ma! was i normal or nutty as a wee'un?'
she said 'oh holly. you were quite the little character from day one. when you popped out you immediately started photoshopping your first doll caper. we didn't know what to make of it because we had no idea why you would be giving up junk food when you hadn't even tasted it yet.'
this is remarkable because :
a) it shows babies CAN click a mouse if they need to; but
b) photoshop wasn't actually invented at the time; and
c) digital photography was still only available in sepia.
okay the truth is that when i was a kid, i had fisher price toys, weeble wobbles, and a huge set of blocks. and i was always making huge creations out of those.
and i also had tons and tons of books. i read a lot. i had piano lessons from an early age, and my mom played the piano a lot. also, i was allowed to read the stuff *she* was writing for the church newsletter, and i watched her make creative things.
this all had an affect on my brain, which was quite spongy at the time.
and when your mom makes a cake that is so huge it has to be carried to your kindergarten classroom on a door, it rubs off on you.
when your mom dresses up as a fortune teller, complete with the accent, at the school fair, it affects you.
thanks for making that huge clown cake, mom. and thanks for being slightly nutty. it's really helped me out. :)
even more true is that i am the most sane person in my family. ha. there i said it.
mom = just this side of sane. one more out-of-place giggle and the authorities are getting called.
sis = on the run from the authorities for 'suspicious behaviour involving cats.'
bro = believes he is your lord and saviour.
dad = refuses to bathe in demineralized (was going to go with mineral-free, but h-dude said this, or 'minerally disadvantaged' was funnier) water. has a collection of cattle prods. also has a collection of odd-shaped horse shoes for odd-shaped horses. and once made me wait in the car for an hour while he shopped in the naval exchange in hawaii. (<==that statement is true) are you now sorry you asked? let's move on.
2. If you could resurrect your golf life, would you? Why?
i'm golfing right now! i always photoshop a photo before i tee off, type a paragraph before i putt, then post just before heading into the clubhouse. don't we all? isn't that how it's done? no? oops...
oh i so would.
i love playing in competitions.
i love everything about golf except the i'm-so-rich-and-you're-not bit of it. i ran into a lot of those types, and i invite them all now to kiss my big-ol-butt, which is much smaller than it was then.
why? i do. not. know. i think : i have a long drive (non-golfers: that is the first shot off the tee) and i LOVE knocking the crap out of that ball, a couple hundred yards up the fairway. almost better than...no i won't say it.
i bought three year old madame m clubs so that i could take her to the range with me in hawaii. i will do the same with the thrower this summer. if they want to ride home in the same car as me, they'll love it. or fake it good enough to make me happy.
3. Do you think you will ever move back here to civilization? When?
ah. is this question :
do i ever think i will want to give up the access to healthcare i have?
or is it :
will i ever tire of being 'the american,' which carries some sort of instant pseudo-uniqueness and is a conversation starter most of the time?
or is it : do i ever think i will get tired of it being cold and grey and of having sardine-like houses?
if we can pretend that i should interpret it *that* way, let's just look at plane fares now, shall we? actually, talks have been opened with h-dude. of houses, and the sizes thereof. and of weather, which, rumour has it, is somewhat nicer on your side of the pond.
i estimate it will be a year, maybe two, before we are in a position to do anything about that. but one never knows what tomorrow holds. let's just say
i frequently check the openings for c#/asp/sql programmers, with a reasonable salary, in a place commutable from an affordable, comfortable house.
4. Having spent a week (or was a it fortnight which really is not a place to spend a night) with the thrower and the adorable madame m, would you consider being a stay-at-home if it was financially possible?
before moving to the uk, i once spent a 'fort-night' in fort laramie. it was cold, the wind was whipping through our deerskin jackets, and winter was a-settin' in. it was a long night spent listening to the coyote howl at the moon. then i told my boyfriend to stop mooning that coyote so we could all get to sleep.
but i digress.
i would LOVE to stay-at-home. this house has been run tighter-than-tight this last fortnight, and i go so much done:
- i transformed my house to a very functional, tidy state. it *almost* cleans itself now... (some might say big-whoop, but i'm LOVING life in my tidy house)
- i edited one complete manuscript i'm planning to submit to publishers.
- i re-worked a story i was unhappy with. i am now happy with it.
- i built a monster train set with the thrower. tunnels, switch-backs, boy howdy it was a big-un! at one point, a pony express dude appeared out of nowhere, running alongside the train.
- madame m and i made perfume with one of her science kits she got from santy claus.
5. Having met several other bloggers, what advice would you give others who are considering a meet up?
do not bring your collection of firearms. this will tend to put the other bloggers off.
do not arrive and say "who's up for a goat-ropin'?" that will probably put the other bloggers off, too, unless it is a goat-ropin' blogger. i don't know of any (listen to the sound of everyone googling *that*).
have back up plans for the following :
-rain
-bad google maps directions (i actually now advise AGAINST google maps for uk directions) -being attacked by bands of ninja monkeys
i have really enjoyed meeting other bloggers (jo, belle, and crazycath - i'm hoping i'm not the one responsible for belle and cath's hiatuses), and what i would suggest on a serious note is just be prepared that you may be meeting someone completely fabulous and might be a little sad to go home.
so you will have to reschedule more meet-ups and then pretty soon they are not returning your hourly phone calls and you get a letter in the post asking you to stop stalking them. it's unfortunate when that happens, but eventually the pain subsides.
at least i'm told it does...
okay so if you'd like to be interviewed...
Here's the directions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the
questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview
someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask
them five questions. And you will email the interviewer that your post is up.
Labels: would you believe i edited this down several paragraphs
Thursday, 24 July 2008
updates are destroying my life
i really wonder if bill gates knows that i have a computer for purposes OTHER than constantly downloading updates.i wonder if he sits there and ever goes 'you know...they could use the computer to *do* stuff...'
after today i am quite sure he doesn't.
i had THREE notifications today that things on my computer had upgrades - OH AND THEY TOOK THE LIBERTY OF DOWNLOADING THEM. i just have to install them. which means waiting and not doing stuff with my computer, such as i am PAID to do.
in the interview, it never came up - the question of how good i am at installing updates. the interview wasn't for an update installer.
(oh my bob what a boring job that would be, eh?)
(i bet someone *has* that job. and wants to end.it.all constantly.)
after a hard day at the office, clicking update downloads, then restarting my computer, which seems to like to take an eternity to do so...*
yes after that hard day, i come home, to the peaceful loving serenity that is my home. nevermind that it was built by monkeys**, it is
i go to make myself a round of toast.
but WHOA!!!
what do i find?!
oh DANG!
so i click the 'Get Update' button. it says it's going to take five minutes to download and would i please restart the toaster when i'm done. fine fine fine but i need a drink first.
a loving cuppa. that will settle me. a nice cup of tea is good for what ails me.
i turn to the kettle. and this just blows my mind.
okay, so i click the install button. THAT is going to take *another* five minutes. and i don't even have a good connection to the kettle! it's old-school dial-up! that means it's *really* going to be another day before i can have a cuppa! AND some dude two blocks over is going to try to listen in on the download! sheeeeesh.
so maybe, i figure, it's time for a cold drink.
good BOB it was hot today.
20 degrees C!!! (that'd be 68 to you people in the states). yes, i know. i was sweating. SWEATING!*** i don't know if i can cope with it much hotter, so i think i'll put some ice in my glass.
i head off to the fridge...
where THIS awaits me!!!
WHAT????
WHEN IS IT GOING
TO END?!?!?
NUTS to that! i want a drink NOW! so i click 'later', full well knowing that it will ask me again in five minutes. but at least i can get some pepsi max.
oh CRUDBUCKET!
MA' PEPSI MAX!****
well now i'm just distraught. it's time to go get a hug from my ever lovely child, queen of hearts. her love will make it all better.
i go to the living room and find her just sitting there, like this:
MA' BABY!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
this just can't happen again, i tell myself. so while she's being updated, i search for an automatic updater that will run without my intervention, say every day at 3am. that ought to be fine.
there, that ought to do it. never AGAIN will i be made to wait for my hugs.
while i'm waiting for every.bloody.thing. in my house to update itself, EVEN my daughter, i go try to find some solace. maybe....
i know, i have had issues in the past with jesus hearting ,
(oh man she's not going to talk about *that* again is she? yes, people, when something is funny, i milk it for ALL it's worth... and more...)
but still, i think maybe jesus could just what i need right now.
and there he is, waiting patiently (well that's how he does everything i guess...)...
and this is the *one* part of the post i have not made up:
after aaaaaaalll the photoshopping, aaaaaallll the captioning, everything....what happened? yes, a popup...
friggin' ridiculous.
*******************************************************************************
SPECIAL BEHIND THE SCENES SECTION :
here's the entire shot of the buddy jesus pic:
------notes-----
* if you want me to fly to your locale, walk up to your door, and smack you, please say "you should have a mac/linux/sun machine." i am a windows developer, people. i 'complain' because it's funny my way. pththth.
** that is an upcoming post! see the house that monkeys built. and not good ones. not an-infinite-amount-of-monkeys, and they didn't create shakespeare's house.
***quilly, yes i do remember the days in hawaii when i thought 70F was cold, oh so cold.
****there was really no way i was going to do this to my beloved dr. pepper zero, so for this post, let's pretend i drink this vile thing. really, it's the hub-ster's
Labels: click okay to begin the download, three updates are available for this post
Wednesday, 26 March 2008
bronte's brunch : cafe caribe
perhaps you remember bronte.with whom i had
the best biggest salad in the known universe.
well, it was high time for the next instalment in the eatery tour of cardiff city centre. which isn't turning out to be weekly yet, but it's early days.
so we picked cafe caribe. it is 14 minutes door to door. but you have to be going at a fairly good clip, and wearing at *least* as good a shoe as i was. they were boots, but not ones nancy sinatra sings about.
i really liked cafe caribe because although it was in a small shopping centre (one with virgin records, yum.) it was cozy but not sardine-ish. we were seated next to the railing on the walkway outside the restaurant. the waitress advised us not to bang our heads on the wooden railing.
i asked "what if i want to?!"
she replied that how i handled my stress was really my business, but she was advising *bronte*, who sat next to it, against such activity. fair enough. i never *actually* did feel the need to bang my head in the course of the luncheon.
we were served with near lightning-speed, to the point of their anticipating our seating. two waitresses tried to serve us. we decided it would be fun to let them fight it out. they handled it much more diplomatically. well, they'll never now know whether we'd have tipped extra for the entertainment.
ooooooh. we have a salad scale. let's have a speed scale:-
8 researchers as of yet have no word to describe the speed
7 i will be in therapy for the remainder of my days for the whiplash
6 so fast that everything else in life is now slower
5 i am going to use this place to set my watch.
4 i have had sex in less time.
3 i have had quicker showers*.
2 the titanic sank more quickly
1 my granny has remembered childhood events more quickly.
*i full well realize the ordering of this. i love a good long shower.
i hereby give cafe caribe an "i am going to use this place to set my watch." for service. for bill presentation? seriously bronte hadn't even had a sip of her soup yet, so they get an "i will be in therapy for the remainder of my days for the whiplash", which isn't necessarily how you want your bill to arrive...
while we're at it, let's award the waitress, for her earlier quipping, a waitress-engagement-rating of 7 "she's obviously just here until she completes her media studies degree".
the diet cokes were "diet cokes". they were diet coke-ish. then we noticed that they had a diet pepsi pump. this is a no-win situation for them, as, if they'd have said what everyone else says, "we don't have diet coke, how about diet pepsi?" i would have waited for her to walk away, looked at bronte and went "duh." then laughed with bronte. next time i will not be so hasty with my critical laughter.
unfortunately, points were taken away for :
- the soup being distinctively out-of-a-can-ish. i think i still saw the can impressions!
bronte's soup verdict : 3 croutons (out of 8*).
- the overmarketing of J20. okay, you serve J20. we get it.
- lamp style clashing with decor. you are a cafe in a shopping centre, you are not a living room.
the ambience-rating we'll give a 5 "i can't tell the difference between this and a real restaurant".
points were awarded for :
- the colorfulness of the place
AND
the clever use of menu labelling.
case in point :
under salads, there was a list :
caesar.
caesar's mother : caesar with chicken
caesar's daddy : caesar with chicken and bacon
caesar's cajun mother : caesar with (i'll leave you to guess which kind of chicken...)
but : no
great caesar's ghost?
no
et tu brute?
clearly, they weren't as creative as they *could* have been...
i went with caesar's daddy. i give it a salad-scale 7: this salad is better than sex, and i like sex
the chicken looked as if it recently clucked. but not *too* recently. just the right amount of recently. and the tomatoes looked like they were almost at their prime. the leaves were green but not *too* green. as bronte pointed out :
"there is nothing worse than limp lettuce."
we both laughed at the idea that there might indeed be *something* worse. but i did add
"that's just what mother teresa used to note."
so i liked my salad, bronte was not enamoured of her soup. i think we will give cafe caribe an overall
bronte's-brunch-rating: 6
i didn't think we had an overall rating for o'brien's, so we agreed to give it a bronte's-brunch-rating of 7.
thank you bronte, for another lovely lunch.
=============
*=bronte says that recent hsbc ads have proclaimed the luckiness of 8, but i can't find a link for it. although, in general, i believe bronte's words.
Labels: bronte's brunch becomes a series and a rating scale, cafe caribe, eatery tour of cardiff city centre